Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
