Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
