A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
