I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
