I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
