I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
