The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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