he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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