i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
