That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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