i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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