Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
