He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My penis needs a shock collar
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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