Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
