The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
