The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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