he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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