"it" just moved
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
