Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
