Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
should my penis look like a turkey
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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