im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
