I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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