Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
