Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
