The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
