There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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