Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
