she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Even my vagina gasped.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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