I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize