i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
