saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize