Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
