I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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