Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
