NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize