im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
