I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
