sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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