Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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