The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
