i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
