I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
