my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
