we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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