Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
