You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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