its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
