I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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