thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize