i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I smell like Dick and happiness
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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