He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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