do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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