why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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