see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
