Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
