Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
