I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's no shave November. This is our time.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize