my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
