When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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