My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
whose ass print is on the piano?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
