you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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