I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
