Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
