i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
