I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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