Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I got inside last night via doggy door
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
