Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Buhtt sex?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
