i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
