hotel room ftw
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
