apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
