i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
