I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
